Doggy has been ill for a while.

Just got news from the vet that she has almost NO white blood cells meaning she cannot fight off infection, so any infection could kill her without treatment. The reason for lack of white cells....possibly leukaemia. She is epileptic too, since she was a puppy. And has liver damage from the epilepsy meds, so she would probably not be able to undergo chemo.

Balls.

Why does God not listen??
I beg and plead and pray that things work out between me and Luke, the boyfriend. But Luke leaves me, and now we seem to be growing futher apart.
I beg and plead and pray that the dog will get better, I pray for healing for her everynight, every day, that she will. be her normal self soon. And now the news she might be dying with nothing we can do to help her.

I am so ANGRY at YOU right now Father. Have I not been through enough in my life as it is? Why must it be that everything I want you take from me? Why did you let me fall in love with a man I couldn't have? Why give me hope for a future I wont ever see? Must I really suffer so much to walk with you?

Its been 6 days since the phone call. When he told me that it wasn't working for him. He didn't have time in his life for me. That the word "love" was thrown around so much these days, maybe it was too soon, too quick.

"so you never loved me...you just said it cos it sounds good?" I asked.

He replied with words i couldn't make out through my sobs. Something about, everything he had said then was true. 5 weeks I've been away. How can so much change in so little time?

5 weeks ago we laid on his bed together. He said to me if he had a ring, he would propose. "I'll be waiting here for you, I will love you forever" he told me while I cried gently.

So nothing he said was true. He didn't wait, and he didn't love me forever. And he gets to move on with his life. The break up is convenient for him, it's what he wants....But i had no choice. Nothing i said could make a difference.

And I am left with anger. But not at him, or me. At God. How DARE he lead me and Luke together, though everything was against us, He answered our prayers, bringing us together 2 months ago. How DARE he do that, only to break my heart 2 months later. How DARE God, my Holy Father, who is supposed to love me and look after me...how DARE He let me get this hurt. It is not fair. This is not what I wanted. Why didn't He listen to my prayers? to my pleading, desperate prayers to make it work with me and Luke? Where was He?

He is here still, and hasn't left. He sticks by my side even though i have hurled abuse at Him. He knows my heart and knows i dont mean it, I just have to take it out on someone. He is here, He comforts me always with the words "it's gonna be ok...I have a plan"

now to discover the plan....